The very ground you stand on may soon open up and suck you into a boiling caldron of molten rock

MY GOD PEOPLE, THE CONTINENTS ARE COLLIDING , TECTONIC PLATES ARE SPREADING, MAGMA IS SPREADING ACROSS THE SEA FLOOR THANKS TO GREAT SHEET ERUPTIONS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASSES AND WHINE!!!

We, at The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, don’t have anything to say really, but remember this headline when you’re begging a geologist to do something about the lava in your pool.

No, not this lava

 

Or this

This kind of lava!!!!!

Fun fact: The average temperature on Venus is 884 degrees, basaltic magma, 1500 degrees. I'm not sure whether that's Centigrade or Fahrenheit, I'm a scientist, so I can't be bothered.

Basalt, the kind of magma that poured out of the Siberian Traps!!!

Actual photo taken by a geologist moments before the Siberian trap eruption exterminated 90% of life on the planet!!!!!

While you're wasting money trying to save dingos, cassowaries and other natural pests, the very planet is getting ready to turn you and your family into charcoal briquettes.  While environmentalists and climatologists suck up all the money saving glaciers and whales geologist have to justify their important work they're doing in Italy, Southern France, Hawaii and other sites of terrifying geologic catastrophes.

Unfunded geologist inspecting this, in Svalbard, caldron of doom...

 

A possible volcanic disaster involving lava, pyroclastic events and the end of arabic numerals as we know them!!!

Or this!!!!!

Meanwhile climatologist and environmentalist fritter away their time destroying the whale skin wallet and shoe wear industry encouraging the spread of cassowaries, the only species on earth immune to magma.

Lazy environmentalist and climatologist plotting ways to squander more of geologist's funding on the beach in Hawaii!!!!!

One of these babies could supply mankind with over ten thousand wallets. A fleet of Norwegian whalers could ensure that Mankind never has to go with out whale skin wallets ever again!!!! OR WHALE SKIN FOOTWEAR!!!! And end the crushing poverty being experienced by hard working unemployed Norwegian whalers and cobblers!!!!!!!!!!

A benighted environmentalist escorting this potential man killer from the ocean where it had possibly tried to drown itself out of the shame it felt for slaughtering so many innocent people!!!!!!!

A road sign in cassowary infested Australia advising motorist that only adequate highway speeds will kill cassowaries and their soul destroying ilk!!!!!

The choice is yours, a world less habitable than Venus overrun with man killing useless fauna or a land where well funded geologist keep these environmentalist and climatologist driven cataclysms at bay. Send money, the rent is due and the fate of the world is at stake!!!!!

A geologist demolishing a climatologists arguments at the UN Conference on Environmental Issues, Climate Change, Global Warming and Geology during the cage match/final elimination round in Helsinki

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

IT’S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

Geologists Find Tectonic Fault that Could Move North America Toward Europe, EURO Deadbeats headed our way!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology prides itself for its calm, understated reporting of items of interest in the underfunded world of geology, but this may mean the end of intelligent life on the North American continent.


While climatologist squandered their lavish government supplied funds, getting liquored up and carrying on like an IRS agent at a GAO conference, America slumbered, unaware  a cataclysmic catastrophe that lurked on our very doorstep.

 A global warming conference in Finland!

Thank God an underfunded, unknown, yet courageous, Australian geologist from Portugal uncovered the looming disaster that threatens our very existence.

Geologist hard at work, interested only in doing science that will benefit you!

Dr. João Duarte, of Monash University School of Geosciences in Melbourne, believes North America will be pulled closer to Europe's Iberian Peninsula because of a massive earthquake that hit Lisbon in 1755. He believes a giant subduction zone is about to open up and suck the Atlantic Ocean under vast tectonic plates, slamming the teeming shores of Portugal into the pristine beaches of Miami and Dade Counties, Florida.

Don't look now, but its coming our way!

Dr. Duarte fled his unstable homeland for the relative calm of Australia despite  its infestation of cassowaries, kanga roo muggings and its impending destruction.

 Deranged fauna desperately trying to escape Australia, continent of danger!

Seconds after this photo was taken, the girl was gutted like a catfish! Only quick thinking by a visiting geologist saved her life when he brained the feathered nightmare with a block of metamorphic schist.

Here’s what we have to look forward to:

 On a bad day.

 On a worse day.

 Prince Henry the Navigator, the best we can hope for.

 Gay head gear.

 A really bad day.

Seriously?

It can happen here! Send money, lots of money, only professional geologist can prevent premature europeanisation through tectonic displacement, I'd explain what that means, but it would take too long and we're scientists, so we have more important things to do...



The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

A word about scooters...

FAQ: why is every article tagged scooters?

Some of you may be reading this expecting to see an article about scooters, welcome. I’ve been told crowds of scooter enthusiasts, all innocent dupes of the climatologist conspiracy, have surrounded The Institute of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities in Fargo, Rhode Island, (pronounced Wallenpaupack, Rhode Island by the way)threatening to burn it down unless we halt the practice.

Geologist and scooter enthusiasts have many common interests and if you believe, as we do, that large flightless birds, especially cassowaries, need to be suppressed, you will be patient.

Indigenous peoples fleeing cassowaries on improvised scooters

Many geologists are scooter users:

Overworked and underpaid, an elderly geologist goes about his research which may save you and everything you love from utter destruction!

The guy who had this site before me was obsessed with scooters, and he's holding a gun to our head. That's right, he’s locked himself in the bathroom with a gun and won’t come out. He has a gun even though The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology is a gun free zone, so we called the police. They put us on hold and my assistant went mad listening to an endless loop of Jingle Cats Hits.

 A violation of all the laws of God and Man!

At any rate, he says he will damage one piece of plumbing a day until we publish something about scooters. A police inanimate-hostage negotiator is talking to him now. We believe he’s been manipulated by Big Climate into doing this, to silence The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology. Either that or he’s frickin nuts, or, more likely, was driven insane by the lack of financial support for hard working geologists in the face of dire, impending geologic catastrophes.

 If you see an article about scooters you’ll know the crisis was resolved. We are hoping this will do the trick:

 Meanwhile, there’s a report of a suture in the North American Craton and we are desperately short of the money needed to deploy geologist to investigate whether we should evacuate the continent or just kill ourselves and loved ones: more on this as the story develops.

Be afraid, be very afraid. This could happen to you!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.