Svalbard: Arctic Hell Mouth and Ground Zero of the Nordic Geologic Apoalypse

IT'S HAPPENING NOW, THE END IS NEAR, EVERYTHING YOU EVER FEARED IS COMING TO PASS AND ITS ALL HAPPENING IN YOUR BACKYARD IF YOU HAPPEN TO LIVE IN BERGEN!!!!!!!!!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, likes to enhance its reader’s experience. For example we used the word happen three times in the headline for this article as well as typing with caps lock on, bolding, underlining  and using the largest typeface our lords and masters at Blogger allow. But we have serious issues to discuss.

Svalbard!!!!!

Svalbard, the good points:

1. Safe sane Arctic fun for the whole family

   

   A happy tourist moments before she was eaten by a bear

2. Almost no Cassowaries

   

   Cassowaries? Well there aren't any penguins in the Arctic, so draw your own conclusion

3. Despite a lack of man killing flightless avian vermin, many other choices for natural dismemberment

   

   This polar bear wants a Danish, maybe like the Dane that took this picture

4. So cold even climatologist want it warmer

   

   Three climatologist who wished they'd pumped a few more tons of CO2 into the air before coming to Svalbard!!!

5.  Creative suicides by despondent locals

   

   A local going for a walk with his gun in case its too much to deal with!!!

6.  Food choices you'll regret your whole life, try the gravad laks, it's Scandalicious!

   

   Many locals like to take their pet along in case the get lost on the tundra and would otherwise starve to death!!!

7.  Depressed fauna, (there is no flora) consumed by existential ennui, unusual in none Scandinavian animals, leading lives of noisy desperation

   

   Jesus Christ its cold, lets go find a polar bear to eat us

   

   I can't stand it anymore, I'm swimming to Bermuda

   

   This is disgusting ... I swim in it, I eat in it, I poop in it

   

   I just hope some one shoots me so I can be a rug in front of a nice hot fire!!

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Svalbard, the bad points:

1. Its the center of a vast Norway/Denmark wide conspiracy to achieve world domination by upsetting the delicate tectonic balance that is currently threatening to destroy civilization. We're Americans, if some ones going to destroy civilization, we'll get the Chinese to do it.

   

   The perfidy of Norway, the dissembling of the Danes

Let's take a look at Svalbard.

 

Here it is from a slightly different angel.

  

 

I know what you are saying: "Hey isn't that where Spitsbergen is, Arctic getaway spot for the "in the know" LGBTWU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transport  Workers Union) crowd in Oslo and whalers looking to experiment? Sure, but its so much more.

 Its more than the Hamptons set in a barren glacial wilderness or Siberia with family restaurants, that would be Minnesota.

Svalbard has many affordable Bed and Breakfasts overlooking the whale rendering plant.

 One of many Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Inns located in Longyear, the aptly named capitol of Svalbard. "If there's a statue of Lenin out front, you know there are many happy workers inside striving to ensure your happiness or they'll be shot!"

Whalers looking for whales

A giant standing outside his tiny house

 Looks like a nice place to visit, a bit out of the way, good shopping

One of many trendy boutiques in Svalbard, this one is in front of the statue honoring the last Scandinavian to assemble furniture

But take a closer look.

Prinz Karls Ferland, Keng Karls Land, something is rotten in Denmark and it ain't the lutefish!!!!

Does it look bigger to you? According to our correspondent at The Vienna Institute for Keeping an Eye on the Swiss, Department of Keeping an Eye on the Scandinavians, the institute that's been keeping an eye on things since forever, there is a reason for this: undersea volcanoes.

Rolf Pedersen pinched out this whopper recently: "We have discovered five new vent fields in Norwegian national waters between Jan Mayen island and Loki's Castle."

And we're supposed to buy this !!?

"We've have found volcanoes at such a shallow level and they could break the surface at any time and form a new island group," Pedersen told VG newspaper. "We have long known that Iceland has both volcanic activity and hot springs, but we thought that we did not have anything like that in Norway. But we do, it was only under water."

Why the secrecy about this research? Why wasn't NATO informed. Apparently VG Newspaer didn't get the word, Norway and their Danish lackeys are creating a land bridge to Greenland!!! Why the secrecy about this research?

First Greenland, then Baffin Island, then maybe... who knows?

People, you see where Iceland is, of course you can't the map is too small, but trust me you can draw a straight line from Svalbard to Iceland and Iceland sits on top of the Atlantic spreading center. Do I have to connect the dots? It's Danish and Norwegian imperialism on a global scale!!!!

Help us save this affordable vacation spot from neo-viking expansionism. Olaf, Sven and Rudyard have volunteered to investigate if we book them passage on a nice Scandinavian cruise ship by next Friday. It just takes money people, so dig deep the fate of the North Atlantic spreading center is in your hands.

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

A word about scooters...

FAQ: why is every article tagged scooters?

Some of you may be reading this expecting to see an article about scooters, welcome. I’ve been told crowds of scooter enthusiasts, all innocent dupes of the climatologist conspiracy, have surrounded The Institute of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities in Fargo, Rhode Island, (pronounced Wallenpaupack, Rhode Island by the way)threatening to burn it down unless we halt the practice.

Geologist and scooter enthusiasts have many common interests and if you believe, as we do, that large flightless birds, especially cassowaries, need to be suppressed, you will be patient.

Indigenous peoples fleeing cassowaries on improvised scooters

Many geologists are scooter users:

Overworked and underpaid, an elderly geologist goes about his research which may save you and everything you love from utter destruction!

The guy who had this site before me was obsessed with scooters, and he's holding a gun to our head. That's right, he’s locked himself in the bathroom with a gun and won’t come out. He has a gun even though The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology is a gun free zone, so we called the police. They put us on hold and my assistant went mad listening to an endless loop of Jingle Cats Hits.

 A violation of all the laws of God and Man!

At any rate, he says he will damage one piece of plumbing a day until we publish something about scooters. A police inanimate-hostage negotiator is talking to him now. We believe he’s been manipulated by Big Climate into doing this, to silence The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology. Either that or he’s frickin nuts, or, more likely, was driven insane by the lack of financial support for hard working geologists in the face of dire, impending geologic catastrophes.

 If you see an article about scooters you’ll know the crisis was resolved. We are hoping this will do the trick:

 Meanwhile, there’s a report of a suture in the North American Craton and we are desperately short of the money needed to deploy geologist to investigate whether we should evacuate the continent or just kill ourselves and loved ones: more on this as the story develops.

Be afraid, be very afraid. This could happen to you!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

Pier reviewed articles, because we're scientists

From now on The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, will only be accepting  pier reviewed submissions.

We hope this will prevent The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, from being flooded with articles from the hirelings of rootless cosmopolites that control world geology and oppose the drastic increase in emergency funding that geologists and  The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, so desperately needs.

We will apply the strictest scientific standards for pier review and publish only the best papers handed to us on a commercial amusement wharf:

 or submitted by the English version of Morton Downey Jr.

 Also anything about cassowaries or scooters.
 

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.