The very ground you stand on may soon open up and suck you into a boiling caldron of molten rock

MY GOD PEOPLE, THE CONTINENTS ARE COLLIDING , TECTONIC PLATES ARE SPREADING, MAGMA IS SPREADING ACROSS THE SEA FLOOR THANKS TO GREAT SHEET ERUPTIONS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASSES AND WHINE!!!

We, at The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, don’t have anything to say really, but remember this headline when you’re begging a geologist to do something about the lava in your pool.

No, not this lava

 

Or this

This kind of lava!!!!!

Fun fact: The average temperature on Venus is 884 degrees, basaltic magma, 1500 degrees. I'm not sure whether that's Centigrade or Fahrenheit, I'm a scientist, so I can't be bothered.

Basalt, the kind of magma that poured out of the Siberian Traps!!!

Actual photo taken by a geologist moments before the Siberian trap eruption exterminated 90% of life on the planet!!!!!

While you're wasting money trying to save dingos, cassowaries and other natural pests, the very planet is getting ready to turn you and your family into charcoal briquettes.  While environmentalists and climatologists suck up all the money saving glaciers and whales geologist have to justify their important work they're doing in Italy, Southern France, Hawaii and other sites of terrifying geologic catastrophes.

Unfunded geologist inspecting this, in Svalbard, caldron of doom...

 

A possible volcanic disaster involving lava, pyroclastic events and the end of arabic numerals as we know them!!!

Or this!!!!!

Meanwhile climatologist and environmentalist fritter away their time destroying the whale skin wallet and shoe wear industry encouraging the spread of cassowaries, the only species on earth immune to magma.

Lazy environmentalist and climatologist plotting ways to squander more of geologist's funding on the beach in Hawaii!!!!!

One of these babies could supply mankind with over ten thousand wallets. A fleet of Norwegian whalers could ensure that Mankind never has to go with out whale skin wallets ever again!!!! OR WHALE SKIN FOOTWEAR!!!! And end the crushing poverty being experienced by hard working unemployed Norwegian whalers and cobblers!!!!!!!!!!

A benighted environmentalist escorting this potential man killer from the ocean where it had possibly tried to drown itself out of the shame it felt for slaughtering so many innocent people!!!!!!!

A road sign in cassowary infested Australia advising motorist that only adequate highway speeds will kill cassowaries and their soul destroying ilk!!!!!

The choice is yours, a world less habitable than Venus overrun with man killing useless fauna or a land where well funded geologist keep these environmentalist and climatologist driven cataclysms at bay. Send money, the rent is due and the fate of the world is at stake!!!!!

A geologist demolishing a climatologists arguments at the UN Conference on Environmental Issues, Climate Change, Global Warming and Geology during the cage match/final elimination round in Helsinki

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

A FIERY DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL!!!!!

The World is Doomed, you Ignorant Drones.

While climatologist shill for money that should rightly go to geologist by running “The Day after Tomorrow” on basic cable everyday.

Alarmist claptrap from the the climatology cadres!!!!

What is more likely?

Weeeee! Its like a new ice age, twelve thousand years of skiing and winter sports.

Or, alternatively, some moderate global warming:

Americans bankrupted by the need to buy more umbrellas to take to the beach as they enjoy more sunny days.

Meanwhile geologic catastrophes await...

Its all fun and games until a certain island continent that shall remain nameless, but its initials are Australia, rams its tectonic plate into your continent's tectonic plate and unloads a lot of man killing flightless birds on unsuspecting beach goers.

While frivolous climatologists fritter away scarce resources:

A meteorology conference in Dubai.

Geologist are wondering what to do when that caldera under Yellowstone goes up and sends the population of the USA on a one way tour of the Ionosphere.

Look upon these wonders and despair!

Again, here’s what climatologist are worried about:

More sun screen

Here’s what Geologists worry about:

Is it the last days of Pompeii or the future for Yourtown USA?

Geologist contemplating a volcanic emergency. Sadly they were too late to avert the cataclysm.

We at, The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, know what to do. The President has to declare that ending catastrophic geologic events is the moral equivalent of war, set up a Federal Department of Geology to set geologic policy and hire a lot of otherwise unemployable people to enforce their will.

These highly trained, heavily armed individuals would carry out the thankless duty of ensuring that everyone pays attention to geology. It will take a generous salary, health insurance, guaranteed seniority, lay-off protection and pension benefits to recruit the sort of person America needs to do this dirty job, but I’m sure they could find reluctantly willing, patriotic citizens among Blog writers and their friends. The time for action is now, tectonic plates are shifting, the science is settled.

You think I’m being alarmist, ask anyone who was around when Pangaea broke up! Ask them what it was like! Oh wait you can’t, because they’re all dead, as any geologist could tell you. 

There is still time to prevent the end of the world! Hurry and grovel at the feet of the nearest geologist and do what he says, gladly, without question and immediately, for the sake of your very existence. 

Leave your wallet.

“Oh,” you say. “Shouldn’t we study the problem some more before we spend every cent we have on the admittedly useful science of Geology?”

Unconcerned Pompeians

Concerned Pompeian. His last thought: "I wish mankind had progressed enough to invent the discipline of geology when I was alive so I could have asked a geologist if that giant smoking mountain in my backyard was anything to be worried about."

You’re all worthless and weak! Drop and give me twenty! Here’s what your ancestors dealt with:

Beach goers during the Jurassic age!

Being attacked by giant flying lizards while lying on a rock, which is what you did at the beach before rocks eroded into sand!

Is this what you want you and your children to experience:

Dinosaurs on the back nine? Too bad, no mulligans for anyone that ignores a geologist! Cancel the Masters, if Tiger wants a new green jacket have his girlfriend buy him one.

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology asks do you want to live in a world of explosive volcanoes and 700 degree pyroclastic flows engulfing you and your stuff?

You have a choice this guy didn't:

A citizen of Pompeii, frozen for eternity, enjoying some personal "me" time before being engulfed by 700 degree volcanic ash.

.His dog, caught in a similar situation:

Geology, it can kill you!

 The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology

IT’S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

Geologists Find Tectonic Fault that Could Move North America Toward Europe, EURO Deadbeats headed our way!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology prides itself for its calm, understated reporting of items of interest in the underfunded world of geology, but this may mean the end of intelligent life on the North American continent.


While climatologist squandered their lavish government supplied funds, getting liquored up and carrying on like an IRS agent at a GAO conference, America slumbered, unaware  a cataclysmic catastrophe that lurked on our very doorstep.

 A global warming conference in Finland!

Thank God an underfunded, unknown, yet courageous, Australian geologist from Portugal uncovered the looming disaster that threatens our very existence.

Geologist hard at work, interested only in doing science that will benefit you!

Dr. João Duarte, of Monash University School of Geosciences in Melbourne, believes North America will be pulled closer to Europe's Iberian Peninsula because of a massive earthquake that hit Lisbon in 1755. He believes a giant subduction zone is about to open up and suck the Atlantic Ocean under vast tectonic plates, slamming the teeming shores of Portugal into the pristine beaches of Miami and Dade Counties, Florida.

Don't look now, but its coming our way!

Dr. Duarte fled his unstable homeland for the relative calm of Australia despite  its infestation of cassowaries, kanga roo muggings and its impending destruction.

 Deranged fauna desperately trying to escape Australia, continent of danger!

Seconds after this photo was taken, the girl was gutted like a catfish! Only quick thinking by a visiting geologist saved her life when he brained the feathered nightmare with a block of metamorphic schist.

Here’s what we have to look forward to:

 On a bad day.

 On a worse day.

 Prince Henry the Navigator, the best we can hope for.

 Gay head gear.

 A really bad day.

Seriously?

It can happen here! Send money, lots of money, only professional geologist can prevent premature europeanisation through tectonic displacement, I'd explain what that means, but it would take too long and we're scientists, so we have more important things to do...



The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.