RUN FOR YOUR LIVES A VOLCANO MIGHT EXPLODE ANY SECOND AND IF YOU DON'T START RUNNING NOW IT WILL BE TOO LATE!!!!!! PLUS THERE MAY BE SOME UNEXPECTED OROGENY LATER SO BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THAT TOO!!!!!

FINALLY, SOME RECOGNITION FOR ALL THE HARD WORK WE DO AND ALL THE LONG HOURS WE PUT IN. NOT THAT IT MATTERS TO YOU, YOU URINE DRINKING PILE OF CASSOWARY DROPPINGS!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology is proud to announce it received an honorable mention for the Nobel Prize for Blogs that Update Infrequently.  This prestigious award is announced whenever the Nobel nominating committee has nothing to do which works out to about once every fortnight. We want to congratulate the winner and runner-up  It's All the Jews Fault...  and The Current Time is...  The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology was tied for third  with 650 other blogs. 

Ever wonder if that mountain looming over your backyard might be a volcano? If you aren't a geologist, or at least a scientist, how could you possibly know? You're too stupid and uneducated to possibly  figure it out which is why the government desperately needs to employ many more geologist. As a public service we at The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology have compiled a list of handy tips for laymen and women worried that a volcano might be lurking in the vicinity.

1) Look around, are there any pointy looking mountains nearby?

2) Is there a giant cloud of smoke and ash erupting from the pointy mountain and rising into the stratosphere until the column can no longer be supported by the pressure emitting from the cone and the top of the column spreads horizontally so that the whole thing takes on the familiar mushroom cloud shape?

3) Have any towns in the area been buried under a layer of ash?

4) When you reached for that bar of lava in the shower this morning, did it burn your hand off?

5) Has everyone else in the neighborhood, including cassowaries, fled in terror?

6) Has your car ever been crushed by a three ton lava bomb?

7) Have any public events in your area  had to be canceled because an 800 degree pyroclastic event barreled down the mountain at two hundred miles an hour and engulfed them?

8) Is there a river of molten rock flowing down your street?

9) Did a shield eruption of continental scale suddenly release enormous quantities of liquid basalt and exterminate 90% of all life on earth?

10) You don't know what a Lahar is but are terrified of it any way?

If  any three of these have happened to you its too late and you, your family and everything you love is doomed. If only one has occurred, forget about it, another two will be along shortly. If none of these have happened write your congressman, president and the Secretary of the Interior and demand that an adequate number of geologist be hired to keep track of these magmatic terrors!!!


The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology

Svalbard: Arctic Hell Mouth and Ground Zero of the Nordic Geologic Apoalypse

IT'S HAPPENING NOW, THE END IS NEAR, EVERYTHING YOU EVER FEARED IS COMING TO PASS AND ITS ALL HAPPENING IN YOUR BACKYARD IF YOU HAPPEN TO LIVE IN BERGEN!!!!!!!!!

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, likes to enhance its reader’s experience. For example we used the word happen three times in the headline for this article as well as typing with caps lock on, bolding, underlining  and using the largest typeface our lords and masters at Blogger allow. But we have serious issues to discuss.

Svalbard!!!!!

Svalbard, the good points:

1. Safe sane Arctic fun for the whole family

   

   A happy tourist moments before she was eaten by a bear

2. Almost no Cassowaries

   

   Cassowaries? Well there aren't any penguins in the Arctic, so draw your own conclusion

3. Despite a lack of man killing flightless avian vermin, many other choices for natural dismemberment

   

   This polar bear wants a Danish, maybe like the Dane that took this picture

4. So cold even climatologist want it warmer

   

   Three climatologist who wished they'd pumped a few more tons of CO2 into the air before coming to Svalbard!!!

5.  Creative suicides by despondent locals

   

   A local going for a walk with his gun in case its too much to deal with!!!

6.  Food choices you'll regret your whole life, try the gravad laks, it's Scandalicious!

   

   Many locals like to take their pet along in case the get lost on the tundra and would otherwise starve to death!!!

7.  Depressed fauna, (there is no flora) consumed by existential ennui, unusual in none Scandinavian animals, leading lives of noisy desperation

   

   Jesus Christ its cold, lets go find a polar bear to eat us

   

   I can't stand it anymore, I'm swimming to Bermuda

   

   This is disgusting ... I swim in it, I eat in it, I poop in it

   

   I just hope some one shoots me so I can be a rug in front of a nice hot fire!!

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Svalbard, the bad points:

1. Its the center of a vast Norway/Denmark wide conspiracy to achieve world domination by upsetting the delicate tectonic balance that is currently threatening to destroy civilization. We're Americans, if some ones going to destroy civilization, we'll get the Chinese to do it.

   

   The perfidy of Norway, the dissembling of the Danes

Let's take a look at Svalbard.

 

Here it is from a slightly different angel.

  

 

I know what you are saying: "Hey isn't that where Spitsbergen is, Arctic getaway spot for the "in the know" LGBTWU (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transport  Workers Union) crowd in Oslo and whalers looking to experiment? Sure, but its so much more.

 Its more than the Hamptons set in a barren glacial wilderness or Siberia with family restaurants, that would be Minnesota.

Svalbard has many affordable Bed and Breakfasts overlooking the whale rendering plant.

 One of many Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Inns located in Longyear, the aptly named capitol of Svalbard. "If there's a statue of Lenin out front, you know there are many happy workers inside striving to ensure your happiness or they'll be shot!"

Whalers looking for whales

A giant standing outside his tiny house

 Looks like a nice place to visit, a bit out of the way, good shopping

One of many trendy boutiques in Svalbard, this one is in front of the statue honoring the last Scandinavian to assemble furniture

But take a closer look.

Prinz Karls Ferland, Keng Karls Land, something is rotten in Denmark and it ain't the lutefish!!!!

Does it look bigger to you? According to our correspondent at The Vienna Institute for Keeping an Eye on the Swiss, Department of Keeping an Eye on the Scandinavians, the institute that's been keeping an eye on things since forever, there is a reason for this: undersea volcanoes.

Rolf Pedersen pinched out this whopper recently: "We have discovered five new vent fields in Norwegian national waters between Jan Mayen island and Loki's Castle."

And we're supposed to buy this !!?

"We've have found volcanoes at such a shallow level and they could break the surface at any time and form a new island group," Pedersen told VG newspaper. "We have long known that Iceland has both volcanic activity and hot springs, but we thought that we did not have anything like that in Norway. But we do, it was only under water."

Why the secrecy about this research? Why wasn't NATO informed. Apparently VG Newspaer didn't get the word, Norway and their Danish lackeys are creating a land bridge to Greenland!!! Why the secrecy about this research?

First Greenland, then Baffin Island, then maybe... who knows?

People, you see where Iceland is, of course you can't the map is too small, but trust me you can draw a straight line from Svalbard to Iceland and Iceland sits on top of the Atlantic spreading center. Do I have to connect the dots? It's Danish and Norwegian imperialism on a global scale!!!!

Help us save this affordable vacation spot from neo-viking expansionism. Olaf, Sven and Rudyard have volunteered to investigate if we book them passage on a nice Scandinavian cruise ship by next Friday. It just takes money people, so dig deep the fate of the North Atlantic spreading center is in your hands.

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.

The very ground you stand on may soon open up and suck you into a boiling caldron of molten rock

MY GOD PEOPLE, THE CONTINENTS ARE COLLIDING , TECTONIC PLATES ARE SPREADING, MAGMA IS SPREADING ACROSS THE SEA FLOOR THANKS TO GREAT SHEET ERUPTIONS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASSES AND WHINE!!!

We, at The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology, don’t have anything to say really, but remember this headline when you’re begging a geologist to do something about the lava in your pool.

No, not this lava

 

Or this

This kind of lava!!!!!

Fun fact: The average temperature on Venus is 884 degrees, basaltic magma, 1500 degrees. I'm not sure whether that's Centigrade or Fahrenheit, I'm a scientist, so I can't be bothered.

Basalt, the kind of magma that poured out of the Siberian Traps!!!

Actual photo taken by a geologist moments before the Siberian trap eruption exterminated 90% of life on the planet!!!!!

While you're wasting money trying to save dingos, cassowaries and other natural pests, the very planet is getting ready to turn you and your family into charcoal briquettes.  While environmentalists and climatologists suck up all the money saving glaciers and whales geologist have to justify their important work they're doing in Italy, Southern France, Hawaii and other sites of terrifying geologic catastrophes.

Unfunded geologist inspecting this, in Svalbard, caldron of doom...

 

A possible volcanic disaster involving lava, pyroclastic events and the end of arabic numerals as we know them!!!

Or this!!!!!

Meanwhile climatologist and environmentalist fritter away their time destroying the whale skin wallet and shoe wear industry encouraging the spread of cassowaries, the only species on earth immune to magma.

Lazy environmentalist and climatologist plotting ways to squander more of geologist's funding on the beach in Hawaii!!!!!

One of these babies could supply mankind with over ten thousand wallets. A fleet of Norwegian whalers could ensure that Mankind never has to go with out whale skin wallets ever again!!!! OR WHALE SKIN FOOTWEAR!!!! And end the crushing poverty being experienced by hard working unemployed Norwegian whalers and cobblers!!!!!!!!!!

A benighted environmentalist escorting this potential man killer from the ocean where it had possibly tried to drown itself out of the shame it felt for slaughtering so many innocent people!!!!!!!

A road sign in cassowary infested Australia advising motorist that only adequate highway speeds will kill cassowaries and their soul destroying ilk!!!!!

The choice is yours, a world less habitable than Venus overrun with man killing useless fauna or a land where well funded geologist keep these environmentalist and climatologist driven cataclysms at bay. Send money, the rent is due and the fate of the world is at stake!!!!!

A geologist demolishing a climatologists arguments at the UN Conference on Environmental Issues, Climate Change, Global Warming and Geology during the cage match/final elimination round in Helsinki

The Journal of Terrifying Geologic Possibilities: the publication doing for geology what global warming did for climatology.